Time Management and Who to Trust

December 12, 2022

I’m passionate about time. It has taken a few years, but I’ve managed to develop a positive relationship with time. One simple rule I follow: No matter what, I always have good Mondays. This starts the week off right. This post is about time management, who to trust with your time, and how I choose to focus my attention/energy output.

I hate wasting time. I don’t obsess about it too much, but I consciously fill every hour with something either I should be doing or that I want to be doing. No time is spent on things I hate, or things that are boring, or things I flat out determine are a waste of my time. Every few weeks, I can look back and find periods of time I consider a “waste” in retrospect, but I make sure they didn’t feel that way in the moment. I found validation when tech investor Naval Ravikant gave advice on his relation to time. Here’s a 30 second clip:

13 Best Moments From Joe Rogan's Podcast With Naval Ravikant

Naval begins with a premise that his time is worth an extraordinary amount, and this belief changes how he acts in the world. The logic follows: to change your world, start with a belief in mind, act on it, and watch how everyone around you treats you differently. I’m inclined to view this as a form of mystical realism, a spiritual act that alters reality. Your mind can generate a belief, transform it into a pattern of thoughts, act, and then can watch the world change around you. The amount he chose was $500 per hour, later raising it to $5000 per hour. The point of the exercise is to be mindful of your self worth and aspire towards great things.

I don’t let other people and their concerns interfere with my goals. Your time is never worth as much to anyone else as it is to yourself. No one else is inside your head, and no one else knows what you’re trying to achieve. Only you get to choose how you spend your time. Not your parents, not your culture, and not your boss. If you think these people have control over your time, you’ve given your autonomy away. If you truly want to be free, you must act like it. When I find myself in a situation I deem is a waste of time, I will interject and actively assert “No, I don’t think this is bringing value to me, and I am going to leave.” It’s subjective, a judgment call. I’ve done this in meetings before. I warn once and if I find I have to repeat myself I do so then, politely, get up and leave. If people become offended, I pay close attention to exactly what it is about my actions that upset them.

A concrete example from my MBA program comes to mind. My cohort and I were in night classes designed for working professionals. We were placed in long term groups as we progressed through the 18 month program. There were five of us, each with full time jobs. One woman even ran her own business with a number of employees. I was 25 years old at the time, the youngest member of my group by a few years. Class was on Tuesdays and Thursdays from 6pm-9pm, and our group had decided to meet in person on Wednesdays for an hour to work on group projects.

On one occasion, we had run into a hard wall involving a math problem that none of us could figure out. Even to this day, I make the joke that I went to business school, so I only know how to do math problems if they have a dollar ($) sign attached. Each of us did our individual parts and our slides were ready. By the end of the hour, we knew what each of us was going to present. The one problem had stumped our group. We spent an additional two hours attempting a solution, but had not come up with a satisfying answer. I submitted to the group that it was getting late and proposed we present all our answers up to that point, and then explain our process towards working towards solutions with an explanation that we could not find the exact answer. We could aim for a B on the project, and hope for better on the next project. A member of the group, who viewed herself as the leader, dismissed the idea and stated no one would leave until we had come up with the right answer. I looked at the other members and saw they kept their heads down, avoiding eye contact with either of us. I stayed quiet and attempted to contribute as another long, slow hour passed.

By 9pm or so, no progress had been made and I made a judgment call. I stated I was going to call it a night and present with what we had the next day. No one else knew, or likely cared, but I’d been at work since 8am and had another long day before driving to the school to deliver the presentation. I wanted to get home, eat, and get some sleep. In my mind, we were going to present tomorrow at 6pm whether we were ready or not, and it was not worth the additional hours. The same woman did not like this, became upset, and began crying. I explained we had put in good work up until that point, and was confident we would not fail the assignment.

She cried and through her tears explained how important the program was to her, and that she didn’t want to let the professor think she was an idiot. I listened but stood my ground and wished them a good night. This was likely a harsh lesson for her to learn, and perhaps she viewed me as heartless or unwilling to contribute to the group, but I realized those were all just judgements on her part. She didn’t know this, or perhaps didn’t care, but in fact I had a lot of respect for each member of that group, and I truly had the best intention for each of them in mind. I said it then, and I can confidently say it now, I wanted all of us to succeed in the long term. It was probably hard for her to believe, but that was okay with me. I wasn’t trying to convince her I was committed to the group. I knew I was, and felt confident the rest of the group also believed that as well. There was a lesson somewhere that so much can be lost in the business world simply by lack of trust. I totally understood her perspective, and felt she wasn’t open to my view on the amount of time vs output. I learned my time was not as valuable to her as it was to me.

We went on to present and it went well enough. I don’t remember exactly what grade we received, but I know we passed. No one has ever asked what grade I got in the class, etc. As it turned out, other groups had run into similar issues, and none had completed the entire project. This was a school assignment designed to teach us what to do when presented with complex issues, and find a way to present without complete information. This is common in the business world.

We went on to complete many other class projects in that same group, but within a year, two of the five members had dropped out of the program. I was sad to see them go. The woman did complete her degree, and I’m glad for her. She did her best to convince the group I was the one in the wrong, but it was fairly easy to see they wanted to leave as well. I also learned that it was okay if the group was upset with me, as long as I stood to my own values. And I looked within myself to examine if I was doing the right thing or not. In my mind, I justified it by thinking if I had not wanted this to work, I wouldn’t be in the degree. I wouldn't have been in the program in the first place if I was unsure about seeing it through to the end.

Of course she had a point, and in her mind she was completely correct. I wanted a passing grade, and I wanted our group to get along long-term. The accusation was made that I didn’t care about the group or about passing the project, both of which were untrue. It was true that I did not explicitly care more about her feelings than my own, and that I stood by that. I learned it was okay if people think I am an asshole as long as I know in my heart of hearts I still wanted the best for them. It’s not my business what others think about me, but it’s my responsibility to ensure my intentions are well-oriented. I have empathy for others, and I know deep down that I have good intentions for myself and everyone around me. But of course, I can only send the signal out so much, I cannot make someone else believe that about me. I can communicate, sure, but I can’t telepathically insert that thought into mind.

There are caveats to this advice worth mentioning. It’s necessary to think clearly and communicate your intentions effectively, but these are separate skills for another blog. As a rule, it is never my intent to hurt other people’s feelings, but at the same time it can’t be my responsibility to prioritize another person’s goals. This can be a tricky path to navigate. The secret to making this work is to take full responsibility for your own decisions and actions. There are common sense applications of when to practice patience. This rule will not be strictly applicable in personal relationships. If my 87 year old grandmother calls me up to take her furniture shopping, I prioritize her time over my schedule.

As I look back, I realize I could have done a better job for the group. I didn’t care as much as she did about the final grade, and in some respects I gave up early. In my mind then, and I maintain now, I don’t think it was worth the effort, but that wasn’t her opinion. It doesn’t matter now, but part of me thinks I should have stuck it out and tried to figure out the solution with the team. If I had to go back, I probably would have done the same thing as I believe I made the correct choice, but I would have left more kindly, a more graceful exit with respect to the opinion of a member on my team.

Lastly, I’d like to share a powerful piece of advice I’ve used to great effect in my life. I’ve straight up told people when they were being standoffish with me that they need to trust me. It’s really hard for some people. It should be used with caution, but it’s a powerful move to bring up the fact that someone doesn’t trust you when you feel they should. Don’t use it as a manipulation tactic as it can be an awful thing to bring to the surface of another’s awareness. And I only say it when it’s true. I don’t recommend asserting this lightly. And if you say it once, maybe twice for clarity, do not say it a third time. The subtle difference between manipulation and self advocacy is your intent behind use of the tactic. I’ve done enough meditation to know we are all connected, each one of us, and for that reason I want the best for you, whoever the you is that is reading this, and I practice this by valuing my time over anyone else's. I know this can seem like a complex and paradoxical piece of advice. I want the best for you, so I’m making sure I am being the best I can be. And if anyone gets in the way of that, I will move around you until I get what I want. In my mind, this is the way of the Dao. Additionally, breaking this rule when it feels right to break the rule is also Dao. To those who read this and don’t know the Dao, this may seem odd, but for those who know, they understand it is not a paradox.

It was profound when I realized I will never be in another person’s head. I don’t advocate acting in a manner consistent with solipsism, but there is something to be said that you will never be behind another person’s experience. You must advocate for yourself, because no one else will. Failure to do so is to give away your power. You’ll end up achieving someone else’s goals.

-Michael Kuhlman